My son is home now. I went and picked him up yesterday. So, my son was in jail for various stupid reasons, but ultimately, he was there because of his lifestyle choices. He is a heroin addict and sometimes in the middle of your addiction, reason doesn’t win out. Actually, reason doesn’t show up.
66 days he was incarcerated. Some of those days, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Some of those days I cried. Some of those days I was just normal.
He missed his daughter’s birthday and his cousin’s wedding. His cousin was his best friend growing up. Had he lived differently, my son would have been in the wedding. They were best friends growing up and inseparable. Hopefully, as my son gets his life back, this is a relationship that can heal.
I was angry Sunday after the wedding. I cried. At the wedding we took family photos. We did the classic mom/kids shot with me and my children. We did the cousin shots. We did the sibling shots. In the moment I was okay. The thoughts were there, but I stayed in each moment. The wedding was incredible. But man, I was just freaking hurting the day after. Angry. Not sure at whom. God? Addiction? My son? Family genetics? All of it I guess.
I spoke with my cousin/friend about all of this. In the middle of my ranting it hits me hard. You see, she lost a son 12 years ago. He should have been in that wedding also. The 3 of those boys were just trouble and fun all rolled into one baseball. They were about prank wars and building hideouts and playing baseball. Amazing how a phone call with the right person can put everything in perspective.
I began letting the anger go. My son is home now. He gets to come back. He gets to try again. I get another chance to help him be the man he is supposed to be. Somehow (I am sure through a lot of prayers) my son has managed to stay alive through his addiction.
There are so many freaking quotes and sayings about how to get through tough times. Guess what??? Life is not a freaking meme. Funny thing is, I have an Instagram page that publishes these memes. I’m not feeling all that meme(y) today.
So, feeling my feelings. A concept I’m still not that used to. It is getting easier though. When you drown your feelings in alcohol the way I used to, feelings are just strange at first. Feeling pretty good today. I have hope. I have second chances (okay, probably more like 50 or so chances, but you know what I mean). This mom is fighting with all she’s got and not giving up.
My son is home and working on his recovery and today he has 67 days clean. Going to build on that. 66 days of incarceration. 66 days that hurt and gave me hope at the same time. We’re all in and we’re doing this.