I’ve been thinking about this lately. A little angry with the fact that alcoholism came in and took so much from me. Angry that I let it in the door. I’ve been thinking back and trying to remember exactly when I let it in.
I was raised in a pretty strict home. I never witnessed people binge drinking or “partying” until I started attending parties with peers. I think it seemed so cool because my parents never drank. So of course, cool would be the opposite of anything they did. I had always had too much to drink when I did drink. I thought everyone did. Looking back I realize, maybe not everyone.
After my divorce from my first husband I drank a lot. I was 24 years old and scared and hurt and a lot of other gross feelings. I went out a lot (this was pretty new behavior for me – I was pregnant when I turned 21) and when I did it was always extreme. To say my behavior was risky would be an understatement. My sister says I was in self-destruct mode. She may be right. But, I had friends and family around me that helped me stay grounded. I had 2 little boys that needed me and eventually, I got myself straightened out. I worked 2 jobs, played indoor soccer and took care of my boys. Life was busy but I was managing. I drank some, but not everyday. Again though, when I did, it was always too much.
I met my husband, we had two more children so I became a stay at home mom. I was a room mother, a coach and all the other things that being a mom involves. My husband traveled a lot and a lot of burdens of the house fell on me. Bills, home maintenance, yard work and the kids. I didn’t drink very often. Occasionally, (once every 3-6 months maybe) I would go out with the “girls” or we would go out with other couples. We drank, but not tons.
For many years I was just normal. (er, well, drinking anyway) Then our social life started changing. The kids were all older and our friends’ kids were older so when we all got together we drank more. We progressed and drank a lot. Friday and Saturday nights were always about going out and always about drinking. We’d have friends at our house and they would sleep there. We’d go to my sister’s house and end up spending the night there. Then we started going to the lake with my cousin. Free-for-all with drinking. We always started early and if we hadn’t passed out, we ended late.
This is around the time I stopped wanting to leave the house. Since my husband would be out-of-town during the week or the entire summer, I started drinking during the evenings. A couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine. This soon changed to vodka. Then, I started drinking earlier and earlier. I would have a drink in order to leave the house. Then, as alcoholism does, it started progressing. So, I guess, this is how it started.