
Genetic predisposition. That’s what they call it. Some of us have a genetic predisposition for addiction. Looking back, I’ve always been prone to addictions of one form or another. In high school it was weight loss. At one point I was losing a pound a day. It was euphoric to see the scale go down. I graduated weighing 96 pounds. And, of course, later in life, I became addicted to alcohol. There are things that happen during the throes of alcoholism that I’d like to try and explain.
- Drinking wasn’t fun. Not anymore. I wasn’t drinking for the fun little buzz that first got me drinking. I was drinking to feel comfortable in my own skin. It worked until it didn’t.
- “If you loved us you would quit.” I wish. I was incapable of quitting by myself. It took a twelve step program, an online support group, friends, therapy and a psychiatrist to help me quit. I tried so hard to quit by myself.
- It’s hard. 5 % of people trying to get sober make it. So if you know someone in long term sobriety, they are the exception, not the rule.
- I couldn’t stand myself. You know how you say, “I’ll start that diet on Monday,”? Then you don’t and you feel kind of bad. I would tell myself every day that tomorrow I wouldn’t drink. So every day, I felt like a failure.
- Addiction thrives on isolation. If I didn’t show up when I said I would, if I missed an event, it wasn’t because I didn’t care. Sometimes I felt paralyzed and couldn’t leave my house.
- It’s not about willpower. Some people think that if you want to quit you can if you have enough willpower. I trained and ran a marathon. I get discipline. I had to get help and I had to change from the inside out in order to quit drinking.
- I don’t regret my alcoholism. I regret things I did and people I hurt, but I don’t regret the fact that I am an alcoholic. I am grateful that I got the chance to heal and take care of things in my life that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise.
- I will always be making amends. My life now is about trying to be the best person I can. I try every single day to make up for all of the hurt I caused.
There’s a lot of controversy about addiction. What do you call it? Substance use disorder? Addiction? A disease? I can honestly tell you that to me that’s quibbling over semantics. The way I see it, addiction is like a tornado. Hitting one, skipping the next. Causing destruction along the way. The good news is, we do recover. Just remember, it’s easier when we recover together.
Your tornado image is brilliant. Thanks for this post. It’s very personal and real and honest and gives me a perspective that’s helpful to get.
Continued support to you as you heal past hurts and stay on your path.
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Thanks, Cindy.
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