Sinking Deeper

Have you ever been caught in the ocean too far away on the other side of the rip tide?  I was once.  It was kind of scary.  The tide just kept pushing me further and further away from the shore.  I’m a really strong swimmer, but the ocean is mighty and I was no competition.  I tried not to panic and use everything I had been taught.  I could see the shore and people and people could see me, but they didn’t know I was being kept away.   I eventually figured out I needed to get under the water to get back to shore. I had to stop fighting.  It worked.  I let the water carry me to shore.   This was my depression.

I was going through my days and  trying to act normal and not panic, all the while I was sinking deeper into the depression.  Everyone was around me. I knew they loved me and wanted to help, but I just couldn’t get the footing to get to them.  God knows I wanted to.  The depression was mighty and stronger than me.

So, I drank.  I drank to try to feel normal.  I drank to try not to feel.  I drank to breathe.  The six months after we moved were so brutal to me.  The worst part is, I believed the voices in my head.  Telling me I was a loser mom, a terrible wife and a horrible sister and daughter.  The voices that convinced me that my best life was behind me and that I had nothing to live for anymore.  I believed the lies and I believed the fear.  Fear is a liar.  I know that now.  But in those days, I fell for the lies hook, line and sinker.

I had to go under in order to get out of the depression.  That’s how I got back to shore.  I feel like I really drowned during those months.  I had to stop fighting and acknowledge the fact that I was drowning.  Once I stopped fighting, I was able to get pulled back to shore.

I never intend to get caught behind a rip tide again.  I will take precautions and pay attention to what is going on around me.  And if I get caught, I will yell for help and I will not fight.  thumbnail (1)