The Big Black Hole

RNFetchBlobTmp_qn4ksd8uors4u6pc3vtakwSo, for years, I drank alcoholically.  I managed it mostly.  It didn’t cause tons of problems and I really only upset my family in a huge way only a few times.  I mean, relationships got strained for sure, but I pretty much kept myself in check.  Immediate family and close friends knew I had a problem.  Acquaintances and not so close friends really didn’t have a clue.  I could go for stretches without drinking.  I was willing to do this forever.  And so, it seems, was my family.  The thing about alcohol, it really doesn’t let you stay where you are.

April of 2015 was a turning point in my drinking life.  It was a turning point in my life.  Not to be all whiny and stuff, but we lost our business, lost our house and pretty much it felt like things turned upside down overnight. I was trying to be a trooper.  Not act like a spoiled brat who didn’t live in a huge house so I couldn’t be happy.  Our disposable income vanished, we were overridden with debt, my husband was suddenly travelling more than ever and I was basically alone to handle a mess of a new house and a mess of our financials.

We had lived in our new home for a week or so when our puppy got out of the yard.  It seems he was able to find every hole in the fence.  Our house backed to a major road that had a lot of traffic.  We searched for hours and couldn’t find him.  We started going door to door to ask our new neighbors if they had seen him  There was a family outside with their dogs so I stepped on their driveway to ask if they had seen our dog.  I never got an answer, two of their dogs jumped on me and the third took a chunk out of my leg.  I just backed up and got in my car.  My husband was driving.

“He bit me,” I told him, trying not to cry.  I pulled up my pant leg and there was this big hole in my calf.  My husband almost threw up.  Off to Urgent Care we went.  I got stitched up, prescribed antibiotics and was sent home.  Later my leg got seriously infected.  We didn’t sue or press charges.  I stepped in the dogs’ territory.  The dog was quarantined for 10 days, neither of us got rabies so all was good.

But it wasn’t.  A week or so later, we got a torrential downpour and the entire downstairs flooded.  Memories, my daughter’s bedroom, photos, just lots of stuff got ruined.  My heart was just hurting.  One Saturday morning, (my daughter’s prom) I got up and just couldn’t stop crying.  I didn’t even know why.   I took her to get her makeup and eyebrows done.  I took some pictures at home but I didn’t go to the place everyone was getting pictures taken.  I should have.  I always had in the past.  I sent a friend who took photos and I stayed home.  And cried.  And drank.

This was the beginning of the end.  The beginning of my 6 months in a black hole.  The beginning of not really wanting to exist anymore.

 

This year has been full of some crap we’ve dealt with.  There is such a difference in the way I handle the crap today as opposed to those days when I was in the dark.  Just going to say, I really prefer the light.

 

3 thoughts on “The Big Black Hole”

  1. I prefer the light too. My experiences aren’t with alcohol but the darkness is so painful. I look forward to reading more of your blog

    Liked by 1 person

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