Had a bad day

I mean, we’ve all had bad days.  But dang, this one wanted to do me in.  It was about a month and a half after my suicide attempt.  I was drinking again but trying so hard not to.  I just couldn’t walk out the door.  I kept trying.  I had to get to work.  I kept circling the family room.  The really sad part of this, we had moved, and I hated this house.  It felt alive and like it was always squeezing me.  Yet, I couldn’t get out.  I finally took a deep breath, walked down the stairs to the front door with purpose and ….fell in a pile of dog crap at the bottom of the steps.  I kid you not.  Down I went.  Landed in it.  Purse on my shoulder, phone in my hand and I just sat there.  Crying.  I didn’t move.  I didn’t get up.  I just sat there.  For about an hour or so.

My husband called.  Work called him because I didn’t come in and they couldn’t get in touch with me.  I answered the phone sobbing.  I just couldn’t get up.  I didn’t have any alcohol and that was usually how I managed to get out of the house.  But I was trying so hard not to drink.  I felt shattered.  Like a mirror that fell off the wall and every part of me was in slivers that couldn’t be pieced back together.   My husband was at a loss.  He tried being gentle.  I think he got in touch with my cousin and my sister.  They started texting me.  I got myself back to my kitchen.  I cleaned up and stayed in.  I took a lot of deep breaths and I made it through the day.

People loved me a lot.  That’s how I made it through the depression and the bad days.  I feel like I was loved back to health.  Speak the truth in love.  You get heard that way.

 

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