We Have Those Days

Today I don’t want to be strong.

Today, I don’t want to tell everyone they’ll be okay. I mean, what if they won’t?

Today, I don’t want to say “you got this.” I mean, what if you don’t?

I don’t feel like saying, hang in there, keep getting up, it’s worth it. What if it’s not?

Today, I just feel like something else is winning.

I’m having one of those days.

To the Mom

Bobbie Tipton Kaltmayer

To the mom who is celebrating her 50th Mother’s Day,

To the mom who is celebrating her first Mother’s Day,

To the mom who knows this is her last Mother’s Day,

To the mom whose arms are empty this Mother’s Day,

To the mom who lost 4 to have one,

To the mom who chose to adopt,

To the mom who didn’t have a choice,

To the mom who did it alone,

To the mom surrounded by a village,

To the mom of the sick child and a life full of doctors,

To the moms no longer here,

To every mom:

Did you know? That day you realized you were late, did you know? When that stick came back positive, did you know?

Did you know that you would do whatever it would take to protect this human?

Did you know that a glimpse of their smile could stop you in your tracks?

Did you know this person would cause endless nights of no sleep? Did you know?

Did you know before that you weren’t complete? Did you know there was still that missing piece?

Did you know you would worry over the healthiest meals and then go with the Happy Meal anyway?

Did you know their accomplishment would bring you more joy than your own? That first hit, the soccer goal, the hockey shutout, the award for the lead in her school play….Did you know?

Did you know you would be able to feel their pain? The first injury, the first break up, the bully at school, the IV lines, the drug addiction…Did you know?

To the moms that love when we are unlovable, that sacrifice when they have nothing left, that rejoice when we win,

To the moms that know — and would do it all again:

Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day

Casualties of Alcoholism

When I was 9, my family moved, and I had to switch schools. I remember the day vividly. My stomach was upset as I was worried about my clothes and fitting in. We started the new school right after Thanksgiving, and I can remember that I hated my coat. I was terrified.

I somehow made it through the day and on to the school bus. This was strange to me because it was the first bus I ever had to ride because at my old school we walked.

On the bus, this girl from my class plopped next to me and started talking. A lot. I don’t think she shut up the entire ride home. I discovered she only lived 2 blocks from me. Actually, I discovered pretty much everything about her in that 30-minute ride. From that day on, she became my best friend.

We did everything together. Sleepovers, swimming in summer, bowling, you name it, we did it together. It was inevitable that we took our first drink together.

The first led to many drinks together. Our jr. high and high school years were filled with many nights of drinking and holding each other’s hair while we threw up.

As the years passed and we had our own families, we didn’t see each other often, but often enough. There were very few times we saw each other where alcohol wasn’t involved.

We celebrated all of the milestone birthdays with a lot of drinking. Divorces happened, life happened, and we helped each other in our typical fashion.

Here’s the thing. I always thought she had a problem. That she needed alcohol to get through life. I never felt like it was me. I mean, I would go months without drinking until we hung out together. Sometimes she would get sloppy drunk and cry or yell irrationally at her kids. She had the dui, not me. So, she had the problem. That’s what I thought.

What I feel now is that whenever we got together, we would act the way we did when we were young. Balls to the wall – so to speak. I suspect a therapist would say our relationship was toxic. My drinking progressed with my depression. I was, after all, the one with the problem.

After my suicide attempt, I left the psych ward to discover that my family had decided she would no longer be in my life. She didn’t visit me there. My last conversation with anyone before the attempt was with her. I don’t feel like they blamed her actually, just that she wasn’t good for me. She was blocked from my phone and all social media accounts.

She had been an essential part of my life for 40 years. I sang at her wedding. We watched each other’s kids. We gave each other rides to the airport and helped each other move. Now, I couldn’t even say…what? Goodbye? See you later? We’re not good for each other? It felt like a divorce.

My heart broke a little. She never tried to contact me. (She could have reached out through mutual friends or email) She didn’t visit me in the psych ward. She just moved on while I was trying to piece together what was left of my life. I’ve cried more than a few times over this lost friendship.

It’s been 3 years. We have seen each other a few times over the past year. Her mother’s funeral and her daughter’s housewarming. We’re pleasant to each other. We ask about each other’s family. We’re socially polite.

The funny thing is – I’m glad we are no longer friends. I have grown more as a person in the past 2 years than I ever thought possible. I have surrounded myself with strong women of faith, with people in recovery and with family that only wants to see me thrive. “Iron sharpens iron.” I believe that. I think that when we were together – neither of us could ever get to our full potential. I sincerely hope that she is growing and is happy as well. But the friendship we had – looking back – seems weak to me now, as our common denominator was always alcohol.

So, this friendship goes down as a casualty of alcoholism. The breakup, however-became the leg up to my recovery.

I Remember When

Photo courtesy of Ben Hershey — Splasher

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember the nights we lived at the baseball fields. I remember after games the whole team celebrating in someone’s pool to wash off the sweat. I remember days filled with hot dogs and Gatorade that became PowerAdes. I remember driving out of town with the team and every car having a two-way radio because it was fun.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember days of made up games and boys and mac n cheese. I remember broken bones worn like a trophy. I remember practicing the same play over and over until it was easy. I remember the grass worn out in the back yard where home plate and the pitcher’s mound stood.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember sleepovers and team pranks. I remember days of alternating jumping in the pool and playing catch. I remember when the hardest decision was what cleats to buy.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember bike rides to your friends’ for a pickup game. I remember skinned knees and flat tires. I remember sunscreen and sunburns and lots of aloe.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember new gloves and old gloves and glove oil and restringing gloves. I remember new bats and heavy bats and the first hit.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember game-winning outs and game-winning hits. I remember the heartbreak and the tears that came from game-losing misses.

I remember when baseball was your passion. I remember when the most important part of summer was the big game. I remember your face when you won the big game. I remember your face when you lost the big game.

I miss when baseball was your passion.

Enough

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You’re going along and actually feel like you’re at a place that’s better than anywhere you’ve been when out of nowhere – boom.  You suddenly feel anxious and like you can’t breathe, and it is such a familiar feeling it almost feels like home.

Home if you were in an abusive relationship.

Home if you were always told you weren’t good enough.

Home if you never seem to get it right.

Home if you just want to slide into oblivion.

Home if you just can’t fill your lungs with enough air to get to the rest of your body.

There’s a difference though.   Where this feeling used to take you down with it and hold you until you tapped out – you now have the tools to win this fight.

You breathe the deep breaths of life that fill you up.

You meditate and fill your spirit with the strength needed to overcome the doubts.

You speak out loud your fears and take away the power.

You know – you are enough.

 

I am enough.